It's going to be awkward

Being deep in grief is tough.... it is the most brutal place on earth.

Everyday someone asks, “how are you doing”, and while I know the question comes from a place of love and respect, honestly, the answer I want to give is not the answer anyone wants to hear. So I silence myself and I answer with a standard, “okay.... just okay”.

It is a safe response and everyone walks away feeling ....okay.

Family and Friends are doing their very best to love and support me and I am so thankful for all of you. It’s like having my own squad of cheerleaders 📣 rooting for me everyday. That much love can also feel overwhelming at times so I have to take a breather now and again... regroup ... and try again.

The best description I have heard so far about the role for family and friends, is this....

Supporting a loved one who is deep in grief means there is nothing for you to do but feel awkward .... and that is just it ....conversations that used to flow, no longer flow freely and sometimes they don’t even make sense. Being with family and friends may mean there are times of complete silence and sadness which often equates to awkwardness. Winnie the Pooh once sat with Piglet in complete silence when Piglet had a bad day.... it can be awkward but even fictitious characters who live in the woods have got it figured out.

For my friends and family, if I don’t respond or haven’t responded, well there it is, that awkward moment ... want to support me, please just roll with how it feels to be awkward.

Workplaces are not even prepared for anyone deep in grief and there isn’t anywhere more demanding of your efforts to return to “normal”. The demand isn’t done with intent or malice, it’s just that your coworker’s worlds ARE normal and they desperately want you to find that place of “normal” again.

Well my life will never be normal again. Not the normal I have known for the past 27 years.... it is simply a place that no longer exists now that Mark is no longer here. Everyday I wake up and everyday every single detail and I mean EVERY detail is different, everything I do is different and every thought I have is different. It’s like an explosion happened in the middle of my life and while I try to pick up the pieces, it is impossible to find them all so my “normal” will never exist again.

I have already been asked if “I am over it”? Wow.... luckily no one was hurt because I walked the other way without saying a word. There is no over it, no around it, no through it and no under it.

There is only me trying to figure out my next steps, determine what life looks like without my amazing husband, Mark, and trying to live the best possible life I can going forward.

So for now.... it will likely be awkward with me and for me 😑

PS.... full credit to Megan Devine for her thoughts on awkward and for making me see it’s okay to be awkward.